Appearance of the Cyclist

What follows is a narrative describing the reality for those not of the cycling community when a rider, a cyclist, sometimes one “lovingly” called “Lance Armstrong” from the window of passing car emerges from home to depart on a ride. I will warn you this story is not pretty. But when worlds collide is it ever pretty?

We join our rider preparing for au courant adventure. Our friend, our cyclist, hero not being too strong a word in the mind of the author to describe the rider, steps into the garage from the house. Our rider is outfitted in his finest riding attire, or at least what is clean. He is equipped to cool effectively and to avoid any and hopefully all chafing. Chafing is awful. Chafing is probably something we should talk about some other time. But not today.

The point is that the rider, our hero in this writer’s small mind, epitomizes everything that says “middle aged cyclist”. 

I warned you this would not be pretty.

Down the driveway and across the street from this event the bargain hunters have swooped in for the deals that are only found on the final day of the great Minnesota garage sale. Your author doesn't need to point out that the situation that lies in front of of us is volatile. Quite volatile! But our author does point it out, just to be safe.

Onward…

The cyclist, as he enters the garage, reaches and hits the glowing button that makes the heavy door rise. No ordinary garage door, this door is built to protect both his bikes and his lawn tools! An important door it is.

The unsuspecting garage salers across the way suddenly sense their world changing. Their heads spin at the sound of the mighty door rising. The quicker witted among them immediately avert their eyes and rush their young ones into the waiting vehicles. It is heard over the breeze “Johnny! Look away! To the car! To the car!”

The not so quick witted are transfixed. They can not avert. They find it impossible to look away. Their jaws begin to drop against their will as the stalwart door rises and the vision of the cyclist starts to appear before them.

The door is 1 inch in the air, followed shortly by being 2 inches in the air. Now the door has risen nearly a foot.

“Feet? Shoes? What is that… WHAT ARE THEY?”

They are shoes that go “clicky clackey, clicky clackey”' as the rider moves across the concrete floor to the bike. A truly amazing machine that bike. Fast. Potent. (The bike, not the shoes.)

The garage saler’s heads are whirling with thoughts. “Black shoes? Really? Is this person about to mow?  Are those,” with a pause, “ankle socks?”, (which despite their name expose the cyclists ankles to wind and sun.)

“Really? Black shoes? Ankle socks? What is UPON US!“

The garage salers feel the knot of nausea rise in their stomach. A general unease sweeps the crowd of 4 near the free box at the garage sale.

“This will not end well” scurries through their minds, once such happy minds.

“This. Will. Not. End. Well.”

The door continues it’s steely rise: 2 feet in the air now. Nearly 3 feet the fortress entry gate passes as it continues to rise.

"That glimmer. What… oh no. Are those SHAVED LEGS!?!?"

Another garage saler is heard to murmur without any sense of emotion "They are. They really are."

A taste a vomit rises in the throats of the onlookers.

“Make. It. Stop!”

But wait! What next? Is that Lycra? Black Lycra with an antimicrobial chamois offering chafe-free comfort on that long ride? The gag reflex of the onlookers is in full force. Splatters of that morning’s blueberry pancakes now begin to appear on the driveway of the great Minnesota garage sale that had, until now, been a happy place. The free box is ruined.

“What next?”

“What does that ‘shirt say’? ‘Chilkoot Cycling’? What the hell is Chilkoot Cycling? Isn’t that man a grown up? What is this costume?”

Red. And Gray. And more black! What is WITH THE BLACK!

Our hero swings his right leg across the top bar.

Water bottles in their place he clicks into the right pedal with a sound “click”. His smart phone is fished from a rear pocket of his costume, his cycling app of choice is started as he must have proper wattage figures to examine current power to weight ratios. With phone replaced in it’s proper pocket of the jersey, the garage door reverses course with the entry of the top secret code into the magic box and the push of button.

A half turn of the pedals follow as the mighty door descends to protect the remaining cycles and the lawn tools that shall go unused again as a nap will be required after the day’s efforts are complete. Our cyclist clips into the left pedal as he descends the drive, looking both ways to avoid the cars that inexplicably are racing from his neighborhood in all directions. Our hero, unaware of the scene that just unfolded across the way thinks to himself “Damn garage salers, this is a neighborhood! Slow down!”  as he heads off to the bike shop to begin the days suffering.

If you didn't hate this story too much, look for more of my stories over at Chilkoot Velo. I've just recently started cross posting back here at ole ArgonEighteen so I can allow comments more easily.

Advice on Taking Advice

In all groups there are those who like to offer advice*. In the cycling community which I participate I would dare to suggest that the percentage of advice offerers is high when compared to other groups of folks who gather together in a common cause such as work or family reunions. Ok, you are correct, we won't  bring family reunions into this. 

Advice

Generally unsolicited. Offered to help. Loosely based on YouTube videos, Facebook ads, and sketchy late night web surfing. Advice can be cloaked as instruction and will arrive in many forms but is always meant to help the receiver to improve something. The advise giver (usually) means well but often the delivery is, being kind, awkward. 

Some simple examples... 

Perhaps about your pedaling form:

• "Use a lower gear, spin faster!"
• "Use a bigger gear, grind it out!" 

Perhaps on your climbing: 

• "You need to stand up more." 
• "You stand up too often, you'll tire too quickly." 

Perhaps flat prevention and ride comfort: 

• "You should run your tires at 125psi to prevent flats."
• "You should run your tires at 90psi to prevent flats." 

Perhaps on determining if the weather will be ok to ride in:

• "WeatherSpark is amazing! Best radar on the web."
• "Would Eddy Merckx worry about the weather?"

All kind words, words designed to help you, the receiver of the advice improve. But when you go to apply the advice and spend half your ride standing and spinning in a lower gear riding on 47psi and the other half sitting and grinding that 53x13 up Mt. SugarBrush on 93.5psi all you really gain are are tired quads, a sore butt, a sore arm from pumping up your tires and another day when you get dropped. 

I'm here today to offer you sage advice on how to pick from whom you will take advice. I'll let you decide, once you've read this, if you should take this advice but I believe you'll say, "YES! Best advice ever. But Sully, you should get some advice on laying out a blog." And I would take that advice! But I digress. This is about helping you, not me. 

You know what makes this advice so credible? The fact I'm not explaining to you on how to ride faster and look good doing it. You'll see as we move through this sage advice that it is true I don't meet the criteria to give cycling advice, well, maybe I do when it comes to tire pressure, but not on cadenance, gear ratios, or climbing style**. But you will find that the advice I offer is good advice on taking advice. Probably. I still need to get this story out of my head and into this document and during that process I often spill a few words on the floor and the meaning is lost or the point evolves. 

But not today! No. For I am upon vacation and upon vacation I can think clearly***! I have ridden my bicycle 3 days in a row which gives me the opportunity to let the words gather within my head and now is the time to spill them. Some might say vomit. 

Today is a day of word spillage regarding who you take advice from when it comes to cycling. I will put a caveat upon that: that is what the unformed words in my head look like before they land in this page. You might say the words currently lay naked and I am about to clothe them for you, my friend! (Or, you probably wouldn't say that.) 

We begin the criteria that you should apply with examples to help illustrate the necessary benchmarks for you to make a wise decision in your selection of advice givers from whom you will listen instead of nodding your head politely and hoping they will just go away. Or at least a decision that once you've made it you'll know why everyone else is laughing at you, I mean, with you. 

Adviser Giver Selection Criteria

1. What sort of Beer do they consume and how do they go about opening it? 

Notice in the picture the use of a Park Tool BO-3. Clearly this indicates this is an individual who not only takes their rehydration strategy very seriously they also use only the best tools. A Surly Furious and a BO-3 to open it is a SUPER POSITIVE sign this guy knows what he's doing! 

It really shows nothing regarding how good his cycling advice might be, but any photo with beer and bike tools has to be included. 

We award +1 on the "Take advice from this person" scale.

2. Do their socks match their bike? 

Clearly this rider is one who cares about details. Notice that both the "Right Sock" and the "Left Sock" match the "Frame". Not only that but if you zoom in and really look carefully (put those bifocals on) you can see the leg stockings are no ordinary pair of leg stockings, those are compression socks! Clearly this guy is one whom if he/she chooses to offer you advice on your choice of socks for the days ride you should listen! 

We award +.5 on the "Take advice from this person" scale.

I'm going to pause here for a moment to allow that those of you reading this who are not professional cyclists like me can still use this advice giver selection criteria in your everyday life. The tips I offer here can be applied to any line of activity. Beer? Socks? You need these nearly everywhere you go. The key for you, you non-cyclist, is the attention to detail that these experts show in all they do.  And you should apply that criteria for selection of your advisors. 

At this point you are likely thinking, besides "Why am I reading this drivel?" that "This adviser advise is supposed to involve bikes, where are the bikes? This is about cycling! Get to the bike part!". 

So here we go. The nitty gritty on choosing your advice giver. 

3. A Bike. 

This picture speaks for itself. Just say no. 1 wheel? Really? Clearly a single speed which denotes "cool" in some circles. We, however, are not in search of cool. We are looking for a Professional, an Expert, well conceived advice givers! And this guy, whoever he is, ain't one of them. 

Honestly, maybe he is. I don't know. But I really needed a way to work a picture of that unicycle into the story. Pretty cool! 

Onward... 







3. The Bike. 

The bike is the key. It really is About the Bike.  The bike will be your guide. Is this person legit? Is this someone that when they explain to me that running tire pressure between 34 and 36 psi on the Cross Bike when running tubeless is really something I should pay attention to? (I will let you define your own analogy if you are a non-cyclist). 

Lets look over this crime scene. First - how about that helmet hanger? Clearly this individual thinks outside the box, is inventive, and just does not go with the norm. Wow. This is a huge +1 on the "Take advice from this person" scale. In fact, let's go +1.5! 

Next - A subtle tip of the hat to the greatest bike race in the world - notice that yellow water bottle holder. Get it? The same color as the leaders jersey in the Tour de France! Who ever this is must have it going on. Out of the box thinker who gets the best race of the season? Another +1 on the "Take advice from this person" scale. How many points is that already? I can't even count that high, well, at least not when I'm on vacation and frankly bored with the points. 

Continuing with the bike, from another angle. 
We'll begin with the trunk. A rider with a trunk indicates an individual...

Ah... never mind. We'll ignore the trunk. Everyone has a fault, right? Even an advice giver? 

But let's return to the Yellow and paying homage to the Tour de France. Not only is the water bottle holder yellow, but take note of the way the bike was parked with the yellow flowers to accentuate the yellow of the bike. Such a subtle touch indicates one who has a large attention to detail! And when seeking advice givers I would suggest that you put high merit on their ability to seek out fine details and weigh those against the problem you very likely did not ask for advice on. 

Really? Who ever asks for advice on tire pressure? You are correct - I know that person too. What normal person ever asks for advice on tire pressure? 

Onward! 

I think at this point you now have a good base of sample criteria to work out from whom you should solicit and take advice. Clearly I am one. But with the above you now have what you need for a solid start when I am not available, like when I've been dropped. 

But please, let the author know if you need more, he's happy to provide it, but only when asked. A good advisor knows when to say when. 

Right? 




If you have any other interest in crap like you just finished reading, or skipped past the end just to say you got to the last line, view some of ArgonEighteen's aka Sully aka Sutcliffe other  'Advice'  over at Chilkoot Velo where our hero (me) is often off the back. 

* One great example of Advice I offered can be found here. It is THE KEY to boosting performance! 

** I will forever deny this in every other story I contrive, at least when it suits the story. 

*** I am prone to the unsubstantiated grand statement when I "write". 

2011 Chilkoot Velo Wrench 'n' Munch 'n' Haggle Ride Report

Before you read this and cause yourself to suffer,you may (or may not) want to read about how difficult writing these stories is!

If you just did that and came back here, I’m so, so sorry... But glad you have you. Enjoy!

It began, as many things do, a humble beginning. Nothing more than a simple social functioning ‘bike wash’ day, or maybe an ‘Eat-n-Tune’, perhaps even ‘SPRING CLEANING & BBQ’. Something for a ‘crisp fall day’. A day full of sunshine, light breezes. A good day to get social and get that bike(s) cleaned up and ready for the long cold winter.

Time elapsed.

Fall became winter.

A damn long winter I might add (sorry, the editor put that in).

And finally a spring that would not begin.

But that didn’t stop the little club that could. Not the club now known as Chillykooting Velo! No way! And not with the mechanical department headed by one Calvin ‘thumb print’ Jones, the man with legendary bladder control known only to those who wrench at 24 hour MTB classics all around this globe we call ‘Earth’.

The idea that refused to leave the mechanics head throughout that winter that was. It is said that one Calvin Jones spent the winter muttering to himself: ‘We MUST clean and tune! We must!’

And so it was. What was imagined as a club social event to Eat, Tune, Tweak, and talk sometrash became Wrench ‘n’ Munch ‘n’ Haggle (Wrench ‘n’ Munch ‘n’ Haggle: WMH for rest of story.) on the first truly warm, sunshine filled day of the 2011 riding season. A truly amazing day. (Adjectives are something I’m working on, but it was WAY NICE!)

This niceness of weather, the club agreed, was all due to the Karma exuded by mild mannered, quite, some might say shy (but they’d be lying) bike mechanic who grew up in the hills and valleys of Colorado but choose to settle in the shadows of Chilkoot Mountain Pass in what many call one of America’s Prettiest Towns. There are those who call it ‘Stillwater’. But those of us with bikes call it ‘Terrifying’. The Karma of one who gives his Saturday’s that others might ride and he’ll need to run out later to get that Mother’s Day card. That is the Karma we can all hope to someday exude.

But this is not about a Mountain pass in Stillwater MN. Nor is it about the mechanic with the big idea. This is about the day that forever shall be known simply as the 2011 Wrench ‘n’ Munch ‘n’ Haggle (Haggle: not much haggling went on. Chochlet Thunder still has some tires from ’74 Schwinn he’d like to sell. And the bike mechanic has a pair of wheels that Armstrong, yeah that Armstrong, may or may not have ridden. Of course I’ve got all sort of stuff I’ll sell you that that Armstrong may or may not have ridden.).

It began with the big rig from St. Paul hauling the parts, the tools, the stands, the buckets that would contain the liquid necessary for the Clean ( oddly this ended up being left off of the WMH despite it being a part of the early roots of the Red Wood that now represents the WMH in a metaphorical sense. Wrench ‘n’ Munch ‘n’ Haggle ‘n’ Clean. Hmmm.... we can think about that for next time. ) part of the WMH arriving at the Wax Shed. Those of you who did not think winter sucked more than normal are already familiar with this place called the ‘Wax Shed’ as this non-hatred of winter means you ski on skinny skis which means you go the wax shed and do whatever it is you do to skinny skis besides ski on them. There was Food from a smoker -some pig - BBQ’d to perfection was delivered by the guy with ALS ride that is under 2 weeks from NOW (if you’re reading this on about 5/9/2011) which means go register RIGHT NOW (I said to myself). And more buckets. An air compressor. Some drill bits

. Riders. Riders I might add who rode, Wrenched, Munched, skipped the Haggling, and rode home, and of course many, many remaining Park Tool Pint Glasses. If you need one, or 10, speak up and we’ll get’em to you.

And the crazy bike stuff began. There was advice. There was learning (who knew it was so easy to replace a cable on a bike and then make the bike shift the way it should shift!) There were seat tubes that became unstuck. There where nearly destroyed derailleur hangers on classic steel bikes that where repaired. And there was BBQ. Did we mention the BBQ? There was much mumbling - is the repair better or is the BBQ better? No one could decided. But the comraderre (Comroderre: I can’t even get close enough on spelling this incorrectly to get the correct spelling from spell check. oh well. If you can’t figure it out call me and I’ll say it. )

of a group of people who’d clearly put on shorts for the first time in about 8 months was fantastic. Fun. Energizing. And bikes - now shiny, and shifting like a dream.

Some of the more helpful advice was captured in the imagery of the day:

Thumb Print says: ‘Why yes Steve, this is a bike. And when you turn this handle therear wheel spins. It’s like magic.’ Also note that Thumb Print keeps his name on his clothes so he doesn't leave without what's his!

The president, as he does every spring, wonders to himself 'Why do I hang out with this group?'

Here the president looks on, continuing in his stream of consciousness 'There guys wear SPANDEX? What AM I doing here...'

Here is a bike that had just come out of the Wrench ‘n’ Clean portion of the day. It did not partake in any Munch activities.

A good shot of the Vice President’s butt and pale legs of a few riders. (Note early stream of thoughts from President, also note the author's inablility to use adjectives very well, or in this case, at all. )

Our host, in the chair to the left. Note beer in hand.

He is a good man!

Tim explains to Mike: ‘That’s right, your knees SHOULD be covered when you Wrench on a bike. But your jersey should still be clearly readable’. (It was shortly after his exchange that Mike left, slightly confused.)

That guy with the ALS Bike ride in a few weeks. No one is quite sure what he was digging for. And those same people where afraid to ask. Should we worry he made BBQ?

It seems confusion was a major part of the day. ‘All these clean bikes... which one should I take?’

Now - get back on over to http://www.chilkootvelo.com/

Centurion Wisconsin Grand Fondo Bikery Team Event Invitation

(and heck, even if you don't ride with the Bikery, you want to come?)

I'm over due for rant. It's been nearly 2 weeks since the last one. I did consider a rant of Bib(lical) proportions after a chafing issue last night while using an old pair of bibs that I hope to soon replace with a shiny new set that are from my club. But I'm setting that aside. Instead - let's plan an event!

THE BASICS
Each Centurion Cycling event includes three separate rides — 100 miles, 50 and 25. All three Centurion Wisconsin rides will take place on Sunday, August 8.

(Note the distances! There is a route for every level in our club. Everyone should consider this event. Can you make it? Read this: http://www.centurioncycling.com/faqs/)

Soooooooooo...........

In what may become a typically futile attempt at planning something more than 20 minutes before we attempt it... I'm going to attempt (futility) to plan a trip to Madison to spend some exertion on this, what promises to be, EPIC exploit.

The general outline is this:

Saturday - August 7th - we leave Stillwater and travel to Madison WI (note - this is where the Grand Fondo is so this is why we would go there. Also note this is the DAY BEFORE the ride itself which lends itself to having a beer the evening before we suffer.)

Sunday - August 8th. You awake in wonderful Madison WI, or close by. Simply, like no other place on an early weekend in August, really. You roll over, you reach for the Tylenol to offset the effects of previous evening's 'carbo loading' and think, 100? Why didn't I sign up for the 50? Oh well, I'll still dominate, win my age group, proudly continue to own the Bikery Green Jersey and fly the team colors to the combined team victory! Maybe I'll take 3 tylenol. Was that 100 beers or 100 miles? Ouch.

Now - should this amazing event planning effort instead become a steaming pile of poo on the floor and we don't 'Grand Fondo Madison!' in August, I'd still suggest an event on August 7th - the evening of, we gather for beer. Or at least perhaps a century to the south of Stillwater on Sunday the 8th. But this my fellow riders of the bicycle is but a fallback plan incase of poo. And we are going to avoid the poo with some good planning. Yes, I know, good planning is new, and commitment is in even shorter supply than the newness of good planning.

Out motto for the Great Just West of Madision Grand Fondo is: No Poo, steaming or otherwise!

You must now:
- Think about - would I like to try 100 miles and 6000' of climbing when it could be 86 degrees and 80% humidity? (and who wouldn't?)
- Or - would I care to try for 50?
- Finally - the 25 which allows for 30 minutes more sleep and the capacity to probably have 4 more beers the evening before during the carbo loading session.

Send me an email that says "YES! I'm probably in." (if you are considering being 'IN')

At this time this is NOT a committment. I leave on vacation tomorrow (Thursday, which could be today if you're reading this tomorrow considering I'm sending it today, Wednesday. If you know what I mean.)

I return from vacation a week from Saturday. I will then tally my email for potential commitments.

And by commitment I mean - "I'm very interested in driving to Madison with a bunch of not yet smelly bikers on Saturday August 7th. I understand I may share a room with these people, some of whom may snore. I will then do a really long or potentially not so long ride on Sunday. And this ride departs early. I will then climb back into a car with now potentially very smelly people and drive back to lovely Stillwater where over the course of the next week I will forget the major suckage of spending a weekend suffering with bikery bikers so I'm ready to ride again the following Saturday."

I will then, should there be interest plan a full commitment meeting where we will pay money and sign up and be committed to going to madison and we will reserve some hotel rooms to store our bikes in so there is room in the car to sleep on Saturday evening after 'carbo loading'.

In all seriousness. This looks very fun. Weather you just want to do a century or push a little harder and try and win a century this could be fun to try on some new roads.

On a final, and slightly funny note, I'm still not a 100% I can make it that weekend. I think i can, I think I can... but I am prepared to potentially commitment right now!

No Poo! Potentially Commit today.

Rough cost:

Hotel room are between 100 - 125, so split that by the number of bikes that will share the room.
Gas - split that by the number of bikes per car/American Gas Guzzling Giant Truck.
Food - what you'd spend on food (Sat Dinner, Sun Breakfast and Dinner)
Other - (beer. It's cheaper in WI so you'll save money by doing this event)
Event Registration - a high 2 digit number I'm to lazy to look at right now

Subtract - $$$ from selling your autographed Amazing WI Grand Fondo Age Group Champions Trophy on EBay.

By the way - should we ride this ride, I smell a good rant coming up. You should look at the profile of this course. Freaking mountains between the start and finish. Don't they know this is the mid-west, not the rocky mountains? But I better have me a new pair of bibs by then... hell hath no indignation like a cyclist chafed! (That should be on a t-shirt.)

Over and out.

Sully

PS - Lance didn't call again this year and now he's retiring. I'm gonna have to find someone else to stalk to get on a TDF team in 2011. Darn it.

My Chamios is Wet!

The upside of being stupid is that it typically gives you great material to write about. If you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of? The 'being stupid' part just makes it that much easier. And, yes, you are correct, really there are many sources of good material. But that's for another time. This time is about me and my general stupidity despite a valid attempt at preparedness. Really.

Friday (the 18th) I'm sure you took the opportunity to read my Not Quite Bi-Weekly Ride Route Rant. This was my 2nd Ride Route Rant (1st one is here) and unfortunately just became the 2nd Ride following a Route Rant that, I've, um, missed.* (me & stupid, together again)

But you're still giving me the benefit of the doubt, right? Come on, pretend at least until you hear my excuses. And those excuses will prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, the level of my stupidity or at least perhaps the level of my ineptitude on Saturday mornings in preparing for the weekly sufferfest. Perhaps it's even a Freudian thing? But haven't they pretty well disproved everything Freudian? Oh well... On to the excuses.

Several weeks ago after Route Rant 1 I over slept. I woke up 5 minutes before ride route departure time. I never sleep till 9am. Technically I didn't sleep till 9am that time either, it was really 8:55. But still, by the time you pull out those bike shorts and get that chamois cream in place (very critical for comfort, see my chamois review), fill a couple of water bottles, check tire pressure, put your helmet (and helmet undergarment if you're bald like me) on, be sure the Lycra is lined up properly, not to mention ride to the shop... well, 5 minutes just is not enough time.

I suppose I could blame the guy who planned that week's ride for starting at 9 and not at 9:30 but I think that would just be plain unfair. We always ride at 9. Always, unless you go on the 8am ride, which I had clearly missed by about 55 minutes, plus prep (chamois cream application) time.

Excuse 1 - over slept.

Now. About this latest incident. Let's begin with the latest Route Rant. The one from the day before this latest excuse production event where not only did I rant, but I turned the other cheek (no, not the one with chamois cream applied) and proposed a solution to the problem presented by the routing of the ITT (see the route rant epic novel for an explanation of an ITT) in which the routing did not connect in any way to the location of the weekly Saturday Morning 9am Bikery ride starting location (The Bikery in Stillwater MN). And I solved that problem! Nailed it! I ride routed! We had a route to ride! And no one, even me, ranted about the route to ride on Saturday June 19, 2010.

Now to excuse 2 unfolding:

25 minutes till ride time. I've been up since 7am (none of that over sleeping nonsense!). Plenty of time for ride prep and a touch more coffee on the way out the door. And I consider, carefully: 'Is my kit** upstairs (close to the chamois cream) or downstairs. 'Hmmm*** the kit must be hanging up downstairs as I washed it Wednesday after my ride.' And with a bit less 'caring', I think, 'Hmmm... yes, it is downstairs' (I'm now in the laundry facility/mud room) and notice no bike kit** hanging. 'Hmmm' I think.

I then take a quick peak in the washer. I think in way that could best be described as a car slamming into a brick wall at about 75mph 'Hmmm, there is bike gear in the washer, and that bike gear is wet. I recently not only ride ranted but I missed the last ride I spent time ranting about the ride.'

Now, please take a moment to reflect on my recent chamois review that was written partially to help you understand the importance of a great chamois and partly to get me gig reviewing bike clothes for velogear.com****. Back to reflection. A chamois should be comfortable. And, despite the application of chamois cream, generally dry when you depart. Mine was not. At all.

Excuse 2: My gear is wet.

Panic.

2 Ride Rants. 2 Rides missed. This is not going to be good.

Phone call: 'I'll catch up!' I say to my buddy. ('Yeah, like that'll happen' thinks the group at the shop waiting for the ride router/ranter to show up as he's always the guy we drop.)

See the conundrum? (I love the word conundrum. Say it slowly c o n u n d r um. And don't miss the 'un' in front of the drum. Ahhh. It just feels good to say it...)

2 Rants. 2 missed rides. l o n g. d r a w n. o u t. s i g h. Here we go again. The crap I am about to receive, while very well deserved, will be immense. If not immense, it is just a bike club after all, at least large.

Wait!

Return call... from my motivator that I'll simply call 'Thunder'. Thunder says: 'Just put them on and go.'

'Hmmm I think. That's not a bad idea!' And by now they've been in the dryer for a few moments. And while damp, it's a warm damp, if you know what I mean. You could take a break here and experiment. But, I don't think it's that unique of an experience that you need to try warm and damp on tight clingy (to your butt) clothes.

In any case, we met the crew. Some well deserved crap, less than what I would have expected should I have missed this adventure, was handed to me.

A young punk did ask if any of us 'older gentlemen' needed to pee before we continued ride... and ride we did.

And the final ride report, from my friend 'Thunder' went like this (It's true, some can say much with few words. I can't.)

June 19, 2010 Bikery Ride Report:

hmm, my notes are a bit smudged...can't make out the name...rats. Oh well, I'll keep better notes next week.

Ok, Ok, it was Tim T., or Otto as he's now known. Otto, as in the school bus driver in the Simpson's, because, in Mr. Trissler's own words: "I'm like a bus driver because I keep taking you all to school!!".

Which was surprising to us on the ride because Tim is never one to blow his own horn. Well, buses have big horns, so Otto it is.

By the way, I read that today's stage in the Tour of Suisse was delayed as the race leader's shorts were still had 20 minutes to go in the dryer. It happens, eh Sully?

Brian

Ride Well,

Sully

*This changed to nearly missed! Great groups bail you out - even when you R the moron! I love my club!

** Kit: A very Eurpoean way to refer to your uniform. As in 'The US Soccer team, despite the fact they can't beat anyone at the World Cup, has great looking kit!'.

*** I start all thoughts with 'Hmmmm'.

**** Sorry. Cheap plug. But I'm not yet a reviewer but I'm also not not a reviewer yet.

Not Quite Bi-weekly Saturday Ride Route Rant

Yet another missive* (I love that word) aimed directly at those brave enough to attempt to route a Saturday Ride that we do every Saturday at 9am (Central time Zone) from the Bikery (in Stillwater, MN).

And before you shout at me for my hypocritical route rant please note that I have routed rides and been ranted at for my ride routing so I'm only returning the favor**)

But it seems I've already digressed (which is appropriate on a Digression Friday!) from the jest of this post... my route rant.

I should also note (digression 2) this is not aboot (my attempt at some Canadian comedy) the 8am (Central Time Zone) Pumpkin ride lead by the world's foremost Bike, I hesitate to just say, 'mechanic' Calvin (Calvin's Corner) Jones'. I will say though, my disappoint is high that Mr. Jones has not yet sent out his Pumpkin Ride Query for Attendance missive. Calvin??? Hello???

But back to my trouble about tomorrow (June 19, 2010) route... It's missing several segments. Like a segment on how to get to Scandia... and a segment following the massive suffering proposed by the router of the proposal for the route for Saturday back to Stillwater and a place we like to call the Bikery.

So perhaps this is not really a route rant but a route proposal (maybe I should post this over on OtisTheManager because I'm really proposing a solution instead of just pointing out a problem and that is what Otis would do!). So instead of whining and wincing and complaining (you know, like the guys in the autobus do all the time when the peloton won't stop when they flat, don't even get me started, or 'drop'*** a water bottle) I will instead offer a solution to the routing dilemma that the proposer of the 'informal' ITT**** (and I'll get to the is whole notion of what informal REALLY means in moment) has put us into.

Route Proposal (sorry, don't know an 'R' word to replace proposal with) - 9am - leave for Scandia. Meet up with TT people. Ride TT route in an informal and fun way. Puke. Ride home. Those not interested in TT and puking - continue on around Bone Lake.

Now, back to the informal nature of the TT that is conveniently scheduled to begin 1 hour after the start of the regularly scheduled Saturday Sufferathon. I think this was more than coincidence. It may even have been a plan. Something akin to a spider building a web and then drawing in their prey.

Look at the evidence... the guy routing this route is the same guy who can ride something like 6 ITTs in a single week and when he goes easy he still goes something like 40 mph. And whilst he's riding along at 40mph in a 'fast hat' he turns and looks over his should and chuckles at the rest of us on our expensive but slow bikes (ok, maybe he's just laughing at me) but you know what I mean.

Coincidence? I think not.

Something we should incorporate into our Saturday adventure? I think so.

Who's with me?

* Missive - Maybe, maybe not.
** All content is meant to be in fun and jest, despite it's ranting nature.
*** 'Drop' a water bottle? Did anyone really see it bounce out? Or perhaps was it thrown aside in a clandestine manner in an effort to slow the pace of the group that this author was even further behind? I wonder...
**** ITT - Individual Time Trial - Ride 20k all by yourself as fast as you can. Then when you finish - puke your guts out.

Open Response to Saturday June 5 9am Route

(see the note proposing the route at the bottom.)

I've spent the hours since the arrival of the original route map that Mr. Noer sent out along with a cheap shot at me an my buddy Calvin thinking, you might even say working. Now I understand the fact I continue as the green jersey points leader and winner of the never before known sprint just outside Stillwater at the beginning of the ride that put the now very coveted Park Tool* BO 2 (BO = Bottle Opener, Get it?) into use at my house and the bitterness (not good bitterness as in Beer but bad bitterness as in resentment, hatred, envy, etc).

So... why have you not heard from me until now? Why have I not spoken my peace about the 'Bone Lake' route planned for Saturday? You're just dieing to know aren't you? Really. Ok, even though you're not, I'm going to tell you anyway.

We all know that when Mike sends out a route to the north and you start your mental preparations around the (mostly) flat land of the North of Stillwater land masses that this route takes us through that shortly (and by shortly, I mean shortly before departure time) Mr. Noer will pull the latter half of the bait and switch. Meaning, even though 35 of us have our heads into the work that awaits, IE: we're all focused on getting our heads around the subtle but significant differences in the flat land route presented by Mr. Noer's route versus the south land routes that we run through when we cross into the South of 94 Mountains of eastern - central and not quite southern MN. We call it Afton. And you just know... it's coming. The adjustment (change) to use the route he's had up his sleeve all week - the real route he's cooked up that will climb everything that does not climb him first (yuck!). It won't be the coveted flatness of the north half of Washington County, but instead it'll be thousands of meters of 45 degree gradients in the big ring to the south. That's right, no one every said: "Go SOUTH young man!" And let's face it, not many of us are young, but I digress...

Oh sure, he'll hack into someone's email account and send himself an email in their name with a complaint like "Hey, stupid, did you look at the weather at all? The wind is gonna be gusting from the south at like 8mph! we can't ride NORTH! Stupid! I'll never by Thule** again unless you change the route to go SOUTH! I DEMAND we go south!!!!'

And Mike, always pretending to be quite and nice (just ask UPS), will reply "Ok, in order to accommodate the wishes of the club, we'll ride south up the Afton Mountain Range instead of north across the plains of not quite Northern but certainly Central and eastern MN.

And we fall for it... every Saturday, at 9am.

Well, we don't ALL fall for it. My buddy Calvin is smart enough to refuse. He instead sends out nice emails. Emails that help drive ad revenue for Goggle when his readers have to search for the meaning of whatever it was he just said. Yeah - Pumpkin Ride! 8am!

Oh yeah... but like chickens being lead to my breakfast table, many of us will choose not to show up for the 8am departure of the Calvin turns into a Pumpkin so leaves at 8am instead of the Noer lies to us 9am extravaganza but the Gruppetto/Autobus gets time to ride and chat ride. If you know what I mean.

Sigh. What a club.

* Park Took - official tools of HTC Columbia and John's beer collection.
**Thule - it ain't just racks for your car! You should get you some!

PS - remember how Mike said: 'wind direction of NNE at 8 mph' Yeah, it's gonna be SSE at 4. Great. here we go again.

The note that set all this off (it just sounds nice, read it with an angry tone in mind!)

At risk of receiving “input”, here is a proposed route for this Sat. 9 AM ride for those that aren’t doing the St. Peter TT or something else…

http://www.mapmyride.com/ride/united-states/mn/stillwater/603127553125114680

Pretty familiar ~50 mile Bone Lake loop North and then back through Scandia and Marine with a predicted wind direction of NNE at 8 mph. Looks like 50/50 chance for rain.

OK, feel free to commence “input.” Except for Calvin and Sully…no need to comment. Really, it isn’t necessary. No seriously, we’re good. Ah, hell, go ahead. ; )

Disclaimer - we're not really serious.