Centurion Wisconsin Grand Fondo Bikery Team Event Invitation

(and heck, even if you don't ride with the Bikery, you want to come?)

I'm over due for rant. It's been nearly 2 weeks since the last one. I did consider a rant of Bib(lical) proportions after a chafing issue last night while using an old pair of bibs that I hope to soon replace with a shiny new set that are from my club. But I'm setting that aside. Instead - let's plan an event!

THE BASICS
Each Centurion Cycling event includes three separate rides — 100 miles, 50 and 25. All three Centurion Wisconsin rides will take place on Sunday, August 8.

(Note the distances! There is a route for every level in our club. Everyone should consider this event. Can you make it? Read this: http://www.centurioncycling.com/faqs/)

Soooooooooo...........

In what may become a typically futile attempt at planning something more than 20 minutes before we attempt it... I'm going to attempt (futility) to plan a trip to Madison to spend some exertion on this, what promises to be, EPIC exploit.

The general outline is this:

Saturday - August 7th - we leave Stillwater and travel to Madison WI (note - this is where the Grand Fondo is so this is why we would go there. Also note this is the DAY BEFORE the ride itself which lends itself to having a beer the evening before we suffer.)

Sunday - August 8th. You awake in wonderful Madison WI, or close by. Simply, like no other place on an early weekend in August, really. You roll over, you reach for the Tylenol to offset the effects of previous evening's 'carbo loading' and think, 100? Why didn't I sign up for the 50? Oh well, I'll still dominate, win my age group, proudly continue to own the Bikery Green Jersey and fly the team colors to the combined team victory! Maybe I'll take 3 tylenol. Was that 100 beers or 100 miles? Ouch.

Now - should this amazing event planning effort instead become a steaming pile of poo on the floor and we don't 'Grand Fondo Madison!' in August, I'd still suggest an event on August 7th - the evening of, we gather for beer. Or at least perhaps a century to the south of Stillwater on Sunday the 8th. But this my fellow riders of the bicycle is but a fallback plan incase of poo. And we are going to avoid the poo with some good planning. Yes, I know, good planning is new, and commitment is in even shorter supply than the newness of good planning.

Out motto for the Great Just West of Madision Grand Fondo is: No Poo, steaming or otherwise!

You must now:
- Think about - would I like to try 100 miles and 6000' of climbing when it could be 86 degrees and 80% humidity? (and who wouldn't?)
- Or - would I care to try for 50?
- Finally - the 25 which allows for 30 minutes more sleep and the capacity to probably have 4 more beers the evening before during the carbo loading session.

Send me an email that says "YES! I'm probably in." (if you are considering being 'IN')

At this time this is NOT a committment. I leave on vacation tomorrow (Thursday, which could be today if you're reading this tomorrow considering I'm sending it today, Wednesday. If you know what I mean.)

I return from vacation a week from Saturday. I will then tally my email for potential commitments.

And by commitment I mean - "I'm very interested in driving to Madison with a bunch of not yet smelly bikers on Saturday August 7th. I understand I may share a room with these people, some of whom may snore. I will then do a really long or potentially not so long ride on Sunday. And this ride departs early. I will then climb back into a car with now potentially very smelly people and drive back to lovely Stillwater where over the course of the next week I will forget the major suckage of spending a weekend suffering with bikery bikers so I'm ready to ride again the following Saturday."

I will then, should there be interest plan a full commitment meeting where we will pay money and sign up and be committed to going to madison and we will reserve some hotel rooms to store our bikes in so there is room in the car to sleep on Saturday evening after 'carbo loading'.

In all seriousness. This looks very fun. Weather you just want to do a century or push a little harder and try and win a century this could be fun to try on some new roads.

On a final, and slightly funny note, I'm still not a 100% I can make it that weekend. I think i can, I think I can... but I am prepared to potentially commitment right now!

No Poo! Potentially Commit today.

Rough cost:

Hotel room are between 100 - 125, so split that by the number of bikes that will share the room.
Gas - split that by the number of bikes per car/American Gas Guzzling Giant Truck.
Food - what you'd spend on food (Sat Dinner, Sun Breakfast and Dinner)
Other - (beer. It's cheaper in WI so you'll save money by doing this event)
Event Registration - a high 2 digit number I'm to lazy to look at right now

Subtract - $$$ from selling your autographed Amazing WI Grand Fondo Age Group Champions Trophy on EBay.

By the way - should we ride this ride, I smell a good rant coming up. You should look at the profile of this course. Freaking mountains between the start and finish. Don't they know this is the mid-west, not the rocky mountains? But I better have me a new pair of bibs by then... hell hath no indignation like a cyclist chafed! (That should be on a t-shirt.)

Over and out.

Sully

PS - Lance didn't call again this year and now he's retiring. I'm gonna have to find someone else to stalk to get on a TDF team in 2011. Darn it.

My Chamios is Wet!

The upside of being stupid is that it typically gives you great material to write about. If you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of? The 'being stupid' part just makes it that much easier. And, yes, you are correct, really there are many sources of good material. But that's for another time. This time is about me and my general stupidity despite a valid attempt at preparedness. Really.

Friday (the 18th) I'm sure you took the opportunity to read my Not Quite Bi-Weekly Ride Route Rant. This was my 2nd Ride Route Rant (1st one is here) and unfortunately just became the 2nd Ride following a Route Rant that, I've, um, missed.* (me & stupid, together again)

But you're still giving me the benefit of the doubt, right? Come on, pretend at least until you hear my excuses. And those excuses will prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, the level of my stupidity or at least perhaps the level of my ineptitude on Saturday mornings in preparing for the weekly sufferfest. Perhaps it's even a Freudian thing? But haven't they pretty well disproved everything Freudian? Oh well... On to the excuses.

Several weeks ago after Route Rant 1 I over slept. I woke up 5 minutes before ride route departure time. I never sleep till 9am. Technically I didn't sleep till 9am that time either, it was really 8:55. But still, by the time you pull out those bike shorts and get that chamois cream in place (very critical for comfort, see my chamois review), fill a couple of water bottles, check tire pressure, put your helmet (and helmet undergarment if you're bald like me) on, be sure the Lycra is lined up properly, not to mention ride to the shop... well, 5 minutes just is not enough time.

I suppose I could blame the guy who planned that week's ride for starting at 9 and not at 9:30 but I think that would just be plain unfair. We always ride at 9. Always, unless you go on the 8am ride, which I had clearly missed by about 55 minutes, plus prep (chamois cream application) time.

Excuse 1 - over slept.

Now. About this latest incident. Let's begin with the latest Route Rant. The one from the day before this latest excuse production event where not only did I rant, but I turned the other cheek (no, not the one with chamois cream applied) and proposed a solution to the problem presented by the routing of the ITT (see the route rant epic novel for an explanation of an ITT) in which the routing did not connect in any way to the location of the weekly Saturday Morning 9am Bikery ride starting location (The Bikery in Stillwater MN). And I solved that problem! Nailed it! I ride routed! We had a route to ride! And no one, even me, ranted about the route to ride on Saturday June 19, 2010.

Now to excuse 2 unfolding:

25 minutes till ride time. I've been up since 7am (none of that over sleeping nonsense!). Plenty of time for ride prep and a touch more coffee on the way out the door. And I consider, carefully: 'Is my kit** upstairs (close to the chamois cream) or downstairs. 'Hmmm*** the kit must be hanging up downstairs as I washed it Wednesday after my ride.' And with a bit less 'caring', I think, 'Hmmm... yes, it is downstairs' (I'm now in the laundry facility/mud room) and notice no bike kit** hanging. 'Hmmm' I think.

I then take a quick peak in the washer. I think in way that could best be described as a car slamming into a brick wall at about 75mph 'Hmmm, there is bike gear in the washer, and that bike gear is wet. I recently not only ride ranted but I missed the last ride I spent time ranting about the ride.'

Now, please take a moment to reflect on my recent chamois review that was written partially to help you understand the importance of a great chamois and partly to get me gig reviewing bike clothes for velogear.com****. Back to reflection. A chamois should be comfortable. And, despite the application of chamois cream, generally dry when you depart. Mine was not. At all.

Excuse 2: My gear is wet.

Panic.

2 Ride Rants. 2 Rides missed. This is not going to be good.

Phone call: 'I'll catch up!' I say to my buddy. ('Yeah, like that'll happen' thinks the group at the shop waiting for the ride router/ranter to show up as he's always the guy we drop.)

See the conundrum? (I love the word conundrum. Say it slowly c o n u n d r um. And don't miss the 'un' in front of the drum. Ahhh. It just feels good to say it...)

2 Rants. 2 missed rides. l o n g. d r a w n. o u t. s i g h. Here we go again. The crap I am about to receive, while very well deserved, will be immense. If not immense, it is just a bike club after all, at least large.

Wait!

Return call... from my motivator that I'll simply call 'Thunder'. Thunder says: 'Just put them on and go.'

'Hmmm I think. That's not a bad idea!' And by now they've been in the dryer for a few moments. And while damp, it's a warm damp, if you know what I mean. You could take a break here and experiment. But, I don't think it's that unique of an experience that you need to try warm and damp on tight clingy (to your butt) clothes.

In any case, we met the crew. Some well deserved crap, less than what I would have expected should I have missed this adventure, was handed to me.

A young punk did ask if any of us 'older gentlemen' needed to pee before we continued ride... and ride we did.

And the final ride report, from my friend 'Thunder' went like this (It's true, some can say much with few words. I can't.)

June 19, 2010 Bikery Ride Report:

hmm, my notes are a bit smudged...can't make out the name...rats. Oh well, I'll keep better notes next week.

Ok, Ok, it was Tim T., or Otto as he's now known. Otto, as in the school bus driver in the Simpson's, because, in Mr. Trissler's own words: "I'm like a bus driver because I keep taking you all to school!!".

Which was surprising to us on the ride because Tim is never one to blow his own horn. Well, buses have big horns, so Otto it is.

By the way, I read that today's stage in the Tour of Suisse was delayed as the race leader's shorts were still had 20 minutes to go in the dryer. It happens, eh Sully?

Brian

Ride Well,

Sully

*This changed to nearly missed! Great groups bail you out - even when you R the moron! I love my club!

** Kit: A very Eurpoean way to refer to your uniform. As in 'The US Soccer team, despite the fact they can't beat anyone at the World Cup, has great looking kit!'.

*** I start all thoughts with 'Hmmmm'.

**** Sorry. Cheap plug. But I'm not yet a reviewer but I'm also not not a reviewer yet.

Not Quite Bi-weekly Saturday Ride Route Rant

Yet another missive* (I love that word) aimed directly at those brave enough to attempt to route a Saturday Ride that we do every Saturday at 9am (Central time Zone) from the Bikery (in Stillwater, MN).

And before you shout at me for my hypocritical route rant please note that I have routed rides and been ranted at for my ride routing so I'm only returning the favor**)

But it seems I've already digressed (which is appropriate on a Digression Friday!) from the jest of this post... my route rant.

I should also note (digression 2) this is not aboot (my attempt at some Canadian comedy) the 8am (Central Time Zone) Pumpkin ride lead by the world's foremost Bike, I hesitate to just say, 'mechanic' Calvin (Calvin's Corner) Jones'. I will say though, my disappoint is high that Mr. Jones has not yet sent out his Pumpkin Ride Query for Attendance missive. Calvin??? Hello???

But back to my trouble about tomorrow (June 19, 2010) route... It's missing several segments. Like a segment on how to get to Scandia... and a segment following the massive suffering proposed by the router of the proposal for the route for Saturday back to Stillwater and a place we like to call the Bikery.

So perhaps this is not really a route rant but a route proposal (maybe I should post this over on OtisTheManager because I'm really proposing a solution instead of just pointing out a problem and that is what Otis would do!). So instead of whining and wincing and complaining (you know, like the guys in the autobus do all the time when the peloton won't stop when they flat, don't even get me started, or 'drop'*** a water bottle) I will instead offer a solution to the routing dilemma that the proposer of the 'informal' ITT**** (and I'll get to the is whole notion of what informal REALLY means in moment) has put us into.

Route Proposal (sorry, don't know an 'R' word to replace proposal with) - 9am - leave for Scandia. Meet up with TT people. Ride TT route in an informal and fun way. Puke. Ride home. Those not interested in TT and puking - continue on around Bone Lake.

Now, back to the informal nature of the TT that is conveniently scheduled to begin 1 hour after the start of the regularly scheduled Saturday Sufferathon. I think this was more than coincidence. It may even have been a plan. Something akin to a spider building a web and then drawing in their prey.

Look at the evidence... the guy routing this route is the same guy who can ride something like 6 ITTs in a single week and when he goes easy he still goes something like 40 mph. And whilst he's riding along at 40mph in a 'fast hat' he turns and looks over his should and chuckles at the rest of us on our expensive but slow bikes (ok, maybe he's just laughing at me) but you know what I mean.

Coincidence? I think not.

Something we should incorporate into our Saturday adventure? I think so.

Who's with me?

* Missive - Maybe, maybe not.
** All content is meant to be in fun and jest, despite it's ranting nature.
*** 'Drop' a water bottle? Did anyone really see it bounce out? Or perhaps was it thrown aside in a clandestine manner in an effort to slow the pace of the group that this author was even further behind? I wonder...
**** ITT - Individual Time Trial - Ride 20k all by yourself as fast as you can. Then when you finish - puke your guts out.

Open Response to Saturday June 5 9am Route

(see the note proposing the route at the bottom.)

I've spent the hours since the arrival of the original route map that Mr. Noer sent out along with a cheap shot at me an my buddy Calvin thinking, you might even say working. Now I understand the fact I continue as the green jersey points leader and winner of the never before known sprint just outside Stillwater at the beginning of the ride that put the now very coveted Park Tool* BO 2 (BO = Bottle Opener, Get it?) into use at my house and the bitterness (not good bitterness as in Beer but bad bitterness as in resentment, hatred, envy, etc).

So... why have you not heard from me until now? Why have I not spoken my peace about the 'Bone Lake' route planned for Saturday? You're just dieing to know aren't you? Really. Ok, even though you're not, I'm going to tell you anyway.

We all know that when Mike sends out a route to the north and you start your mental preparations around the (mostly) flat land of the North of Stillwater land masses that this route takes us through that shortly (and by shortly, I mean shortly before departure time) Mr. Noer will pull the latter half of the bait and switch. Meaning, even though 35 of us have our heads into the work that awaits, IE: we're all focused on getting our heads around the subtle but significant differences in the flat land route presented by Mr. Noer's route versus the south land routes that we run through when we cross into the South of 94 Mountains of eastern - central and not quite southern MN. We call it Afton. And you just know... it's coming. The adjustment (change) to use the route he's had up his sleeve all week - the real route he's cooked up that will climb everything that does not climb him first (yuck!). It won't be the coveted flatness of the north half of Washington County, but instead it'll be thousands of meters of 45 degree gradients in the big ring to the south. That's right, no one every said: "Go SOUTH young man!" And let's face it, not many of us are young, but I digress...

Oh sure, he'll hack into someone's email account and send himself an email in their name with a complaint like "Hey, stupid, did you look at the weather at all? The wind is gonna be gusting from the south at like 8mph! we can't ride NORTH! Stupid! I'll never by Thule** again unless you change the route to go SOUTH! I DEMAND we go south!!!!'

And Mike, always pretending to be quite and nice (just ask UPS), will reply "Ok, in order to accommodate the wishes of the club, we'll ride south up the Afton Mountain Range instead of north across the plains of not quite Northern but certainly Central and eastern MN.

And we fall for it... every Saturday, at 9am.

Well, we don't ALL fall for it. My buddy Calvin is smart enough to refuse. He instead sends out nice emails. Emails that help drive ad revenue for Goggle when his readers have to search for the meaning of whatever it was he just said. Yeah - Pumpkin Ride! 8am!

Oh yeah... but like chickens being lead to my breakfast table, many of us will choose not to show up for the 8am departure of the Calvin turns into a Pumpkin so leaves at 8am instead of the Noer lies to us 9am extravaganza but the Gruppetto/Autobus gets time to ride and chat ride. If you know what I mean.

Sigh. What a club.

* Park Took - official tools of HTC Columbia and John's beer collection.
**Thule - it ain't just racks for your car! You should get you some!

PS - remember how Mike said: 'wind direction of NNE at 8 mph' Yeah, it's gonna be SSE at 4. Great. here we go again.

The note that set all this off (it just sounds nice, read it with an angry tone in mind!)

At risk of receiving “input”, here is a proposed route for this Sat. 9 AM ride for those that aren’t doing the St. Peter TT or something else…

http://www.mapmyride.com/ride/united-states/mn/stillwater/603127553125114680

Pretty familiar ~50 mile Bone Lake loop North and then back through Scandia and Marine with a predicted wind direction of NNE at 8 mph. Looks like 50/50 chance for rain.

OK, feel free to commence “input.” Except for Calvin and Sully…no need to comment. Really, it isn’t necessary. No seriously, we’re good. Ah, hell, go ahead. ; )

Disclaimer - we're not really serious.

Chamois Choice! Yeah - you better see a picture.

This one we'll call Chamois OW! And it is the reason why you should ALWAYS see a picture of the chamois that is in the shorts that will be between the bulk of YOU and your bike seat. Upon first glance you see what looks like a nice comfy chamois. Just look at those pillows of comfort (black circles). Ahhh... Boy, that'll still feel fine after 50 miles. And you'd be right! The pillows of comfort do feel fine! But... (get it, butt? A pun!) that inner seam (red arrows pointing at it making it hard to miss. Trust me. REMEMBER THAT seam. Burn it into your mind as it’s burned into both my mind and certain areas of skin.).

Now, observe that inner seam appears as jagged as a saw blade. And you know what? You'll discover it IS as jagged as a saw blade. But you'll notice those lovely pillows of comfort first as you slip into those nice new bike shorts that you purposefully spent a few extra drachma's on to get a comfy pair of bike shorts to pile on the miles. And then you'll be about 20 miles into a 60 mile ride (or 70, or 80...) and somehow you're about 45 miles from home, and you'll suddenly become acutely aware of that jagged edge as it slowly begins to slide (I’m being kind. ‘Slide’ does not imply pain.) back and forth over your skin. Grinding. Burrowing. back and forth. back and forth. And then you'll think: hmmm, what is that? Oh yeah, that jagged seam that is located right beneath that strategic bit of tender skin. Hmmm. If only I'd seen a picture of this chamois before I bought it! And I wasn't blinded by what appear to be massive pillows of comfort.

But, now you know. You now know more than I knew when I bought these and the picture lacked a chamois shot but (again!) were priced in range that seemed to indicate that indeed they (them?) would have nice pillows of comfort and no razor edged seams designed to nearly slice your legs (and other items) from your body on a long ride. Bottom line? DON’T BUY SHORTS WITH A SEAM LIKE THAT! Ever. And if you can’t see the chamois, be wary. Be very very wary.

Next: Chamois Oh! First look carefully where the red lines point. Look! No jagged, knife edged piece of thread laid out like a saw blade intended to remove an appendage but not begin to remove the appendage until you are far enough from home as to not be able to return home without either:
a) Calling your spouse to beg for help and forgiveness for overspending your budget on bike shorts that you either need to admit are awful or lie and say: “Shorts great, Just blew out my ACL” to which your spouse says: “Tough, you can ride home with your buddies as you rode away from home with your buddies” or...
b) Ride home while explaining to your buddies what a bad day you are having and they must really be having a bad day because you continue to dominate them in every way despite your leg nearly coming unhooked from your core because of the jagged saw bladed imbedded in the shorts you did not see a picture of the chamois in.

Also notice that while the red is very eye catching (important when we get to Chamois 3!) the pillows of comfort do not look nearly as inviting as the pillows of comfort in Chamois OW! Funny thing about pillows of comfort in chamois. (And you can trust me here, I’m 200 pounds so I can really put a strain on pillows of comfort), they just aren’t that important. This chamois pictured probably has 2 or 3 thousand miles on it. And the pillows of comfort have probably lost some of their original loft (imagine me sitting on you for 3000 mile, wait, never mind, don’t do that) anyway, 2k or 3k US Miles (at least). And these are still quite comfy! A bit o’the chamois cream and you can spend the day on the saddle and it’s all good! Ahhh...


And Finally - Chamois Bikery Cycling Club shorts 2009. (Didn’t have a reasonable 3rd Chamois name to use after Chamois OW! and Chamois Oh!. Beer to the person (over 21) who comes up with a good name.

This chamois my friends is what we like to call a 1 piece chamois. Notice where the arrows point, that curved red line... notice there is no seam there. There is no sewn seam between a bottom layer and top layer 2 piece chamois (chamois OW!). There is no seam between (glued instead) the bottom layer and top layer chamois as in chamois OH!. There is simply just 1 nice chamois and many areas of comfort (pillows!) (marked by circle and straight lines) built ride (intentionally not saying ‘right’) in. There are no areas that are going to reach out and touch you in ways that hurt more and more the further you are into your ride. And this chamois is at least 3000 miles into it’s life. (Boy, I’d hate to be a chamois. Imagine the jokes you’re the butt of all the time?)

Now... you’ll notice on all 3 chamois that on the outside, the very outside, there is what appears to be a line of death. A seam with sharp, razor edged thread meant to make you suffer worse than Hors catégorie climb a day after the EPO wore off. Ouch. Guess what?? They make chamois with that stitching gone too! I gotta get me a pair like that and give them a whirl some time! But in the mean time (right now) I’ll keep piling on the Chamois Butt’r (get it? Butt... ‘r’, like butter and like ‘butt’ as in your a$$, I mean your back side?)

So, until next time.

Yours in longing for a role in reviewing products for Velogear,

John ‘Sully’ Sutcliffe.