Chamois Choice! Yeah - you better see a picture.

This one we'll call Chamois OW! And it is the reason why you should ALWAYS see a picture of the chamois that is in the shorts that will be between the bulk of YOU and your bike seat. Upon first glance you see what looks like a nice comfy chamois. Just look at those pillows of comfort (black circles). Ahhh... Boy, that'll still feel fine after 50 miles. And you'd be right! The pillows of comfort do feel fine! But... (get it, butt? A pun!) that inner seam (red arrows pointing at it making it hard to miss. Trust me. REMEMBER THAT seam. Burn it into your mind as it’s burned into both my mind and certain areas of skin.).

Now, observe that inner seam appears as jagged as a saw blade. And you know what? You'll discover it IS as jagged as a saw blade. But you'll notice those lovely pillows of comfort first as you slip into those nice new bike shorts that you purposefully spent a few extra drachma's on to get a comfy pair of bike shorts to pile on the miles. And then you'll be about 20 miles into a 60 mile ride (or 70, or 80...) and somehow you're about 45 miles from home, and you'll suddenly become acutely aware of that jagged edge as it slowly begins to slide (I’m being kind. ‘Slide’ does not imply pain.) back and forth over your skin. Grinding. Burrowing. back and forth. back and forth. And then you'll think: hmmm, what is that? Oh yeah, that jagged seam that is located right beneath that strategic bit of tender skin. Hmmm. If only I'd seen a picture of this chamois before I bought it! And I wasn't blinded by what appear to be massive pillows of comfort.

But, now you know. You now know more than I knew when I bought these and the picture lacked a chamois shot but (again!) were priced in range that seemed to indicate that indeed they (them?) would have nice pillows of comfort and no razor edged seams designed to nearly slice your legs (and other items) from your body on a long ride. Bottom line? DON’T BUY SHORTS WITH A SEAM LIKE THAT! Ever. And if you can’t see the chamois, be wary. Be very very wary.

Next: Chamois Oh! First look carefully where the red lines point. Look! No jagged, knife edged piece of thread laid out like a saw blade intended to remove an appendage but not begin to remove the appendage until you are far enough from home as to not be able to return home without either:
a) Calling your spouse to beg for help and forgiveness for overspending your budget on bike shorts that you either need to admit are awful or lie and say: “Shorts great, Just blew out my ACL” to which your spouse says: “Tough, you can ride home with your buddies as you rode away from home with your buddies” or...
b) Ride home while explaining to your buddies what a bad day you are having and they must really be having a bad day because you continue to dominate them in every way despite your leg nearly coming unhooked from your core because of the jagged saw bladed imbedded in the shorts you did not see a picture of the chamois in.

Also notice that while the red is very eye catching (important when we get to Chamois 3!) the pillows of comfort do not look nearly as inviting as the pillows of comfort in Chamois OW! Funny thing about pillows of comfort in chamois. (And you can trust me here, I’m 200 pounds so I can really put a strain on pillows of comfort), they just aren’t that important. This chamois pictured probably has 2 or 3 thousand miles on it. And the pillows of comfort have probably lost some of their original loft (imagine me sitting on you for 3000 mile, wait, never mind, don’t do that) anyway, 2k or 3k US Miles (at least). And these are still quite comfy! A bit o’the chamois cream and you can spend the day on the saddle and it’s all good! Ahhh...


And Finally - Chamois Bikery Cycling Club shorts 2009. (Didn’t have a reasonable 3rd Chamois name to use after Chamois OW! and Chamois Oh!. Beer to the person (over 21) who comes up with a good name.

This chamois my friends is what we like to call a 1 piece chamois. Notice where the arrows point, that curved red line... notice there is no seam there. There is no sewn seam between a bottom layer and top layer 2 piece chamois (chamois OW!). There is no seam between (glued instead) the bottom layer and top layer chamois as in chamois OH!. There is simply just 1 nice chamois and many areas of comfort (pillows!) (marked by circle and straight lines) built ride (intentionally not saying ‘right’) in. There are no areas that are going to reach out and touch you in ways that hurt more and more the further you are into your ride. And this chamois is at least 3000 miles into it’s life. (Boy, I’d hate to be a chamois. Imagine the jokes you’re the butt of all the time?)

Now... you’ll notice on all 3 chamois that on the outside, the very outside, there is what appears to be a line of death. A seam with sharp, razor edged thread meant to make you suffer worse than Hors catégorie climb a day after the EPO wore off. Ouch. Guess what?? They make chamois with that stitching gone too! I gotta get me a pair like that and give them a whirl some time! But in the mean time (right now) I’ll keep piling on the Chamois Butt’r (get it? Butt... ‘r’, like butter and like ‘butt’ as in your a$$, I mean your back side?)

So, until next time.

Yours in longing for a role in reviewing products for Velogear,

John ‘Sully’ Sutcliffe.